Laura's Winning Ideas

How do you bring up a ticklish issue, and continue the conversation with options for each person to consider for themselves instead of devolving into a blame-fest? This is a thread from the Milwaukee Swing Dance forum (CCSwing.com) of which I’m a member.
(Leads are the men, Follows are the women.)

Somebody had to bring this up!!
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Many of us have noticed that very few leads actually ask the follows to dance. In the past, wasn’t it customary for the follow to wait to be asked by the lead? Or am I missing something? Lately all the leads stand around and wait to be asked. If you are not an agressive follow you are basically out of luck. I am bringing this up because there are many follows who are ready to leave our scene as a result, and I would like your opinion.

Sarah

RE: Somebody had to bring this up!!
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I’ve noticed the same shift, and hope to help make it temporary by stepping up my own recruiting of Leads. For awhile it was hilarious the number of men who appeared at Maureen’s beginner classes under my encouragement. Maureen wondered what I was using as bait.

I’m not inclined to be as aggressive as some, presuming that most of the Leads in our community know who I am and are making a deliberate decision about who they would like best to dance with. My take on it is that they are choosing between the opportunities for romance (which are seriously limited between myself and them) and the opportunities to improve/enhance their dancing (which are probably almost as limited, so it makes one wonder I ever get many dances in a crowded room.)

When the dance floor is too tilted with Follows I simply excuse myself. This both helps the balance in the room and relieves me of the embarrassment all Follows feel when left on the sidelines for too many dances.

Last summer I watched Tom almost kill himself trying to dance with too many Follows, in too high heat, without breaks. Tom’s taking better care of himself now, and aggressive Follows need to know the pressure they bring is the same as brought to us when a Lead asks us to dance.

Just as I expect the Lead to watch out and keep me out of trouble on the dance floor, Follows who take the perogative to ask Leads to dance, take responsiblity to look out for the Leads well being.

This is what Miss Manners has to say on the topic:
From Miss Manners’ Guide for the Turn of the Millenium by Judith Martin

“Reports are that proper dancing is returning. This being a country where people will go in for anything, provided that it is new enough or old enough, people who thought dancing meant gyrating into solitary trances are now setting about finding out what they missed.”

“Along with learning the dance steps, Miss Manners would like to request that neo-dancers practice ballroom manners. This will require learning a new attitude, or rather, an old wicked one…One could not simply attend a dance with a favorite person and spend the evening leaning together and swaying.”

“The program was made up of a series of clearly separated dances, and manners required that each person dance with a large number of partners.”

“A gentleman always had his duty dances with the hostess, any daughter of the house, and the guest of honor, and he was expected to do his share of rescueing wallflowers, especially sisters of friends who could be induced to do the same for his sister.”

“A lady was obliged to dance with whowever asked her, unless she could plead a previous promise or fatigue, which she was not allowed to contradict with subsequent action. This rule saved many a young girl who submitted to it the subsequent heartbreak of finding out that a gentleman’s attractiveness was not necessarily obvious at the age that he entered his first dance and that the snubbed had long memories. A lady was expected to find a pretext to excuse herself when she believed a gentleman to be stranded with her; that was one of the chief uses of powder rooms.”

“The key phrases were “May I have this dance?”, to which the answer was something like, “Why, yes, with pleasure”, or “I’m so sorry, I’ve promised it,” or “Oh dear, I’ve danced so much, I really must sit down now.”

Josh, one of the elite Milwaukee area dancers has the most wonderful dance manners. His habit is to ask for a dance, offer his arm to escort the Follow to his choice of dance real estate, and at the end of the dance escort her back to the spot from which she came with a thank you. This contrasts with a nameless Lead who has taken the habit of swiping a Follow from behind whether engaged in conversation or otherwise occupied, similar to a hijacking.

“Dear Miss Manners:
We have been taking dance lessons, for something to do together. We have been enjoying this hobby and exercise so very much. When we go to dances, we see so many single follows without partners. Is my husband expected to dance with them? I realize that would be the gracious thing to do, but I don’t want to dance with any other men, even if asked. So, what started as a lot of fun has become a source of friction.”

“Gentle Reader:
Perhaps you should give up going to dances where you know other people and confine your hobby to nightclubs, where you will be among strangers. Among friends, it is customary to exchange a number of dances. (ed. and more interesting for all involved.) That is, you and your husband may have most of the dances together, but he should also ask, and you should accept, other partners.”

“Miss Manners wonders if the friction occurs because there are more unattached ladies than gentlmen at these events, and his socializing means that you are left without a partner more than you like. She would ask you graciously to socialize with the others — to be friendly to them while your husband takes an occassional turn with one of the unescorted ladies. Surely it must occur to you that there but for the grace of God go you.”

My two cents!
Laura